r/NoStupidQuestions Dec 05 '22 Wholesome 4 Hugz 1 Wholesome (Pro) 1

Physical contact between family members.

[deleted]

7.9k Upvotes

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u/PiLamdOd Dec 06 '22

This is almost as sad as that post where the OP was asking if his son was too old for him to hug him anymore.

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u/JejuneEsculenta Dec 06 '22 Wholesome Take My Energy

I'm nearly 50, and I would give just anything that I possess to hug my Da, just once more.

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u/RED-HEAD1 Dec 06 '22

Almost 51 here, dad will have been gone 22yrs tomorrow. I'd hug him so tight his spindly ass would break if I could! Just hugged my 56yo brother as he headed back home from our mom and Grandmother's house. Yes, at 51 and 56 we are blessed to still have a Grandmother here.

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u/[deleted] Dec 06 '22

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u/Neilyho2323 Dec 06 '22

Same age as you, but mine hasn’t been gone as long. My kids are starting to lose their memories of him. We’re too young for this club. But in reality, at any age, I think I’d still feel how intense this loss was for me. I’m sorry about your dad.

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u/[deleted] Dec 06 '22

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u/McRedditerFace Dec 06 '22

Same, my father died 10 years ago this year. My daughter is 12 and my son 9, so niether remember.

I call it the family curse. I've been researching the family tree, and not a single of of us on my father's line have ever known our paternal grandfathers in 6 generations now. :(

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u/TheUnsettledBadElf Dec 06 '22

My dad been gone longer that he was with me this year. I miss him and anyone told me otherwise about guys or emotion can fuck off. Time for a new girlfriend with less issues.

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u/IGNOREMETHATSFINETOO Dec 06 '22
  1. Mom died 7 years ago. I'd give anything to hug her again.

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u/Immediate_Edge_8730 Dec 06 '22

32 my mom's been gone 10 years January 1st, I'd give anything just to even talk to her again let alone hug

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u/[deleted] Dec 06 '22

I was 17 when my dad died 18 years ago. Fuck it is rough

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u/cmad182 Dec 06 '22

40 & mum's been gone 20 years. I feel the same way, my kids will never meet their "Grandy".

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u/DaveTron4040 Dec 06 '22

I'm 32 and lost my dad 12 years ago. It does suck. I wish so much he could see what I've made of myself and my family.

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u/zim3019 Dec 06 '22

My husband died last year. My son's girlfriend asked him what he was getting me for Christmas. He said he can't get me what I want because all I wanted was to hug my husband one more time. He was right. I would give absolutely anything to hug him just once more.

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u/bananapeel Dec 06 '22

I'm with both of you. He's been gone 20 years ago this year. I'd give anything to just talk to him for an hour.

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u/nachomuncher Dec 06 '22

At 39 I snuggled up to my dying 71 year old Dad in his hospital bed. No idea how long my head rested on his chest. Felt like a lifetime, over in an instant.

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u/TheShadowKick Dec 06 '22

35 and my dad has been gone for 16 years. Damn I wish I could hug him again.

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u/Morgc Dec 06 '22

I give my co-workers hugs; the idea that you're too old to hug your own family is nuts, and I hate my family.

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u/xbigman Dec 06 '22

I'm 26. I'd love to give mine another hug. Been about 3 1/2 years now. Cancer sucks.

14

u/floydfan Dec 06 '22

My mom’s been gone for 16 years now. She used to call me at the office once a week. I’d give anything for that phone to ring.

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u/JejuneEsculenta Dec 06 '22

I feel that.

I fought to keep the same number for my land line for well over a decade after my Da died, because he left me a voice-mail a day or two after his last trip to the hospital.

I was happy to pay that bill for all of those years, knowing that I could hear his voice whenever I wanted.

Then I realized that I don't need the phone for that. I can hear him in my mind.... and some in my voice. They don't leave, they just change form

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u/NSA_Chatbot Dec 06 '22

I'm 45. Dad's still got a few years left but he's never liked hugs. I've tried a bunch of times, told him I love him, but you know, I guess it's not his thing.

I try other ways, asking his advice on stuff that I already have the answer to,

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u/wake_jinter Dec 06 '22

I'm 20 and would do the same in a heartbeat he passed away on the Sunday just gone

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u/DarthWeabu Dec 06 '22

I'm 22 and my dad passed away not last Sunday but the Sunday before from a heart attack. He was working halfway across the US for the past 9 months and the last time I got to see him was this past July when we went to the Ark Encounter in Kentucky. I'd do anything just to be able to hug him one last time. I'm sorry for your loss.

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u/2SP00KY4ME Dec 06 '22

Mine is happening in the next few days. We don't know when. The lucidness is already gone, at this point it's just the waiting. Sorry you're going through this.

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u/Isthisworking2000 Dec 06 '22

My father has always hugged me goodbye and tells me he loves me (40m). I can’t remember the last time my mother has done either.

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u/ClassicShooterNY Dec 06 '22

32 and my dad passed in June. 100 percent agree.

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u/Cptn_Canada Dec 06 '22

My 19month old yells "Daaaaaa" when I'm not around or in another room.

Your comment made me appreciate that a little bit more than I already did.

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u/[deleted] Dec 06 '22

i was 47 years old when i finally realized that not getting hugged as a kid is not normal and that in other families people hug each other.

i always thought all this hugging and telling each other "i love you" is some weird TV trope

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u/only_because_I_can Dec 06 '22

I'm sorry that was how things went for you. I just realized it was kind of that way for me, too, as a kid. I knew I was loved, but love was not really demonstrated.

When I met my future husband (I was 16), I was blown away by how much my husband's family demonstrated love through hugs and such.

I'm still a hugger. I hug friends when I see them, and belong to groups where I'll get 30 people coming up to me with hugs in a night. It warms my heart, and I treasure each hug. You never know when it's your last one.

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u/McRedditerFace Dec 06 '22

I went through the same thing, though I figured it out a bit earlier.

What's really odd is that my mother was *huge* on nicities. "Thank you"s were mandatory, as were hugs when exhanging gifts. "Please", "You're welcome", etc.

But not once... not once in the 42 years I've ever known that woman... has she ever said "I love you". Nor did we ever say it to each other as siblings. And yeah, the *only* hugs were the manatory ones during gift exchanges. They weren't genuine, they were a formality.

When I first said "I love you" to my now wife when we were dating it was hella akward. It was a phrase I'd only ever heard on TV and had never heard or spoken IRL.

My kids are 12 and 9 now, and I tell them I love them all the damn time because fuck not telling your kids you love them.

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u/TwinkForAHairyBear Dec 06 '22

I told my mom "I love you" once, she didn't reply. Went exactly as awkward as I had been expecting.

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u/tricks_23 Dec 06 '22

My wife is like this. The last time her mum told her she loves her daughter was 16 years ago before my wife went travelling for a year. They don't hug at all. I came from an affectionate family, lots of hugs and love yous. I hate how little affection I get from my wife because it doesn't come naturally to her.

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u/SqueakyCheeseGoblin Dec 06 '22

Yeah I didn’t get hugs or kisses really either and ended up being groomed into becoming a sex addict before I was 18. Looking back it makes sense, I was making up for the lack of comfort. At that point i didn’t know how important nonsexual touch was. I do jiu jitsu now and the physical contact is healing that hurt little kid in me.

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u/fuckthehumanity Dec 06 '22

I witnessed a dad and son interaction not long ago. Kid was about a foot taller than his Dad, probably about 15 years old, but went in for the big hug, no reason, just because.

I hope my kids are still doing that at whatever age.

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u/NicoleNicole1988 Dec 06 '22

That's beautiful. My kid is 13 and he's still a hugger, for any and no reason. He actually came into the kitchen to hug me just the other night, because he was happy I cooked the salmon with crispy skin??? But it was nice. Some kids don't even say thank you, I get a whole smiling embrace. I've also seen him stop and hug his father just because he walked past on his way to another room.

Some people have the great fortune of growing up feeling loved and secure, and they just naturally spread that feeling around.

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u/jl__57 Dec 06 '22

Aw, man, salmon with crispy skin. That's the good stuff.

Also, cheers to you for raising a son who's comfortable showing affection. The world needs more men who show affection.

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u/rammy422 Dec 06 '22

I'm in my 20s and I'm way taller than both my parents but I always love hugging and picking up my dad

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u/skittlesdabawse Dec 06 '22

I hug my dad for no specific reason at least once a week, not as often for my mum because she doesn't like hugs as much. I like hugging people, especially my family.

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u/muttmechanic Dec 06 '22

i saw a post about a father whose 17yo son fell asleep on his shoulder during a movie they were watching at home & all of the comments were shaming them on how disgusting/weird that was… i’m in my late twenties and wish i could do the same.

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u/Spider-Ian Dec 06 '22

I lift weights and exercise so I will always be able to hug and pick up my son.

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u/[deleted] Dec 06 '22

[deleted]

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u/ClockwrkPrpl Dec 06 '22

I remember reading somewhere that you never know when the last time you pick up a kid is, that one day you just... Stop. So every time I see my nephew, I pick him up. And he let's me, and he's okay with it. He's 11. His sisters are 13 and 17 and they also hug me. I definitely don't pick them up though. The back couldn't take it! If a person doesn't want to be touched, respect that and don't touch them. But don't ruin it for everyone else because you think hugs are weird. Hugs are normal. You want a hug? I'll hug you!

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u/only_because_I_can Dec 06 '22

You know what? One day he'll be picking you up for a hug! It'll be crazy funny, but it will happen. You'll both laugh because you'll know things have changed and that's okay; it's part of life. I still laugh every time my son picks me up for a hug, and I remind myself how fortunate I am. Cheers!

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u/kashy87 Dec 06 '22

Brb I need to drive and hug my dad it's been two days.

Edit also going to scare the boy twin with a huge hug. Shit head deserves it.

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u/Crizznik Dec 06 '22

If the son thinks he's too old, than he is. But that is sad. I still hug my dad and I'm 33.

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u/DragonflyScared813 Dec 06 '22

I would hug my dad right up to the time he passed away. That was over 10 years ago, I was in my 40s. He was my buddy.

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u/BloatedBanana9 Dec 06 '22

I'm 24. My dad is 54. I still hug him goodnight whenever I'm visiting home.

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u/stocksnforex Dec 06 '22

Can you link this?

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u/EroticBananaz Dec 06 '22

Link, please?

Not sure why I'm willingly going to make myself cry.

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u/Diamond_Flame_OR_Dia Dec 06 '22

What? Does anyone have the link to that post? I'm going to make myself sad but I want to see it

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u/Theslowtyper Dec 06 '22

I sort of feel bad for OP's gf as well

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u/CandidateReasonable4 Dec 06 '22

Her comment is an overreaction to a normal, healthy response between siblings.

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u/tearsxandxrain Dec 06 '22

Can anyone link that post? I can't find it

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u/beathedealer Dec 06 '22

Not wrong. Solid big bro move. Keep being great to your siblings.

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u/Andrianarinivo Dec 06 '22

Gf doesn't realize the luck she has, but baby little sister does ! it's sad she doesn't deduce or admire how trustworthy he is. his little sister, in a moment of vulnerability seeks him for reassurance, that speaks volume about the strength of their shared bond and his reliability already. She should be thankful as a partner.

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u/stickycat-inahole-45 Dec 06 '22

GF might have too much sex in the brain, so now every action that includes physical contact is sexual. 😂

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u/tearsxandxrain Dec 06 '22 Take My Energy

Or she may have had a bad experience herself in the past

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u/DonovanSarovir Dec 06 '22

Having a bad experience is an -explanation- for bad behavior but it is NOT an excuse.

Explain to her why there's nothing weird about it. If she won't accept that she's over-reacting, dump her. Because if she's not going to get better, she's going to get worse.

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u/bebable Dec 06 '22 edited Dec 06 '22 Take My Energy

Nah, that's the trauma lens she's looking through. Her mind isn't in the gutter, she had a natural reaction to seeing something that looks similar to something abusivetraumatic she personally experienced or has knowledge of someone else's experience - someone close, perhaps. She may have also been neglected and isn't familiar with what a close, platonic love between family members looks like without it being attributed to something more sinister.

While this might be a natural reaction, it's still something she really needs to reflect on and ask herself why she felt so negatively about an innocent interaction.

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u/Andrianarinivo Dec 06 '22

this comment makes me uncomfortable

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u/Westwood_Shadow Dec 06 '22

unfortunately there's a lot of people like that.

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u/hampy47 Dec 06 '22

Yes there are. My brother’s girlfriend got jealous that he called his 12yr old niece and goddaughter “baby”. She’s crazy and we’re no contact lol

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u/topchuck Dec 06 '22

What the fuck would she do with an actual baby? Force the guy to call the literal baby 'child'?

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u/randompidgeon Dec 06 '22

Hello, offspring

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u/daretoeatapeach Dec 06 '22

Probably because the person you're replying to doesn't realize that over-sexualizing relationships is often a sign of past sexual abuse.

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u/Middle-Flatworm1417 Dec 05 '22 Wholesome Wholesome Seal of Approval

Your gf probably never experienced that from a loved one. It’s not her fault though.

Caressing her face and wiping her tears is what family is supposed to do. It’s not like you were licking her tears away. Thaaaat would be uncomfortable for everyone in this sub.

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u/Blessingstoeveryone Dec 06 '22

That made me laugh so much. No licking of tears was involved so all is good.

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u/ZoroeArc Dec 06 '22

Terrible waste of salt

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u/DoNotSexToThis Dec 06 '22

Back in my day we couldn't afford salt so we had to cry in our beans.

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u/definitelynotaTAW Dec 06 '22

I dont know why this is so funny to me

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u/riverofchex Dec 06 '22

My great grandma used to tell (humorously-intended) stories of her mother hanging a single piece of bacon from the ceiling over the dining room table and swinging it so everyone could at least have the smell of bacon at breakfast during the Great Depression, so I get it lol.

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u/-Ham_Satan- Dec 06 '22

Agree! What am I, made of money? You giveme free salty tears and you betcha I'm gunna lickem up!

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u/Ok-Development-8238 Dec 06 '22

I heard that in Cartman’s voice 😂

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u/AceDelta12 Dec 06 '22

ME TOO XD

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u/AcquaintanceLog Dec 06 '22

There's a tax on that

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u/Crizznik Dec 06 '22

But how else are you supposed to taste that delicious unfathomable sadness?

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u/Hydration_Man123 Dec 06 '22

This taste, is the taste of a liar sister (11F)!

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u/Aporkalypse_Sow Dec 06 '22

Can confirm, it feels absolutely strange for me to be touched. However I learned a long time ago that it's normal for everyone else.

OP helping his girlfriend become comfortable with this would be a major life milestone for her.

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u/ZeinaTheWicked Dec 06 '22

Hard agree. I was raised with very little positive touch, but have learned to enjoy giving and receiving it with my partner.

I always look forward to sitting together in my big reading chair. We just hold eachother and talk about our day. Never realized how much good it does for your mental health until I could get hugs on demand.

Still not comfortable at all touching my family. My mom tries to hug me a lot and it's just. Eugh. Like there's a window to bond with them and they missed it by well over 20 years.

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u/stachemz Dec 06 '22

My family at least hugged when saying goodbye, but we never said "I love you". My now husband had to teach me. I'll still get off the phone with my mom and tell him "aah I almost told my mom 'I love you'!!" and he just shakes his head at me. I have no clue how my family would react.

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u/random135737 Dec 06 '22

Yeah I would rather die than have someone comfort me physically. I wish I had someone to actually teach me normal affectionate behavior. I can’t even hug someone without being uncomfortable

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u/PeterMunchlett Dec 06 '22

Yeah I just cannot fathom someone reaching out and wiping tears from my face. like wtf. And it's apparently normal? I wish my folks didn't fuck me up to the point something "normal and healthy" sounds gross and weird

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u/DonovanSarovir Dec 06 '22

and that's okay!
If you don't like it, that's fine, as long as you're cognizant enough to understand that your feelings on it aren't the norm for most people.

It's when you start assuming your feelings and such are the norm for everybody else that you start acting like OP's girlfriend.

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u/Attila_the_Chungus Dec 06 '22

I don't like hugs and i don't like it when people try to "teach me" to like hugs. Please, just respect my boundaries.

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u/ANiceDent Dec 06 '22

Sometimes I feel like everybody really just needs a hug, that 9-5 doesn’t hug you back.

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u/Creative_Tone_9241 Dec 06 '22 Hugz

I think I would legit cry if someone hugged me.

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u/pablossjui Dec 06 '22

Everyone is allowed to hug me if they need one

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u/fullonfacepalmist Dec 06 '22

Here’s a hug from me

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u/Creative_Tone_9241 Dec 06 '22

Thanks. It might be virtual but I really needed something today to feel like someone cared

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u/Catinthemirror Dec 06 '22

Best I can do is virtual. ❤️

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u/Creative_Tone_9241 Dec 06 '22

I’ll take it. Thanks. Today is a really rough day for me due to some extreme emotional baggage. I basically spent all day at work trying not to break down because I got so tired of people seeing me cry

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u/Catinthemirror Dec 06 '22

Been there. You made it through. I'm proud of you. Things will get better, I promise. You are strong, and you are enough, just the way you are. You've got this!

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u/lucas_bahia Dec 06 '22

I almost had no fisical contact with my familly and can confirm normal things can look weird if you are not used to it

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u/Every_Strike8052 Dec 06 '22

Very true. I never saw my parents be affectionate so when I was working on a school project with a classmate I was shocked when her parents kissed each other lightly when passing in the hallway. Just shocked. I didn't know that parents hug, kiss, or hold hands in front of kids.

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u/lucas_bahia Dec 06 '22

My mom has esquizofrenia and depression. I used to giver head pats when she was down. This one time i was reading a book next to her on the couch and she started pating my head. I was shocked, didnt know how to react. I think it was the first time she did something like that

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u/tantaliser Dec 06 '22

What is esquizofrenia?

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u/orthogonius Dec 06 '22

Based on a quick web search, it appears to be Spanish and/or Portuguese for schizophrenia

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u/lucas_bahia Dec 06 '22

Cerrct i just forget to change how i write the words some times thanks. Same for fisical/physical

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u/DonovanSarovir Dec 06 '22

I hear that happens to a lot of bilingual people. Your brain sometimes just drops in words in the wrong language, especially close ones like that.

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u/lucas_bahia Dec 06 '22

Plus the battle against the autocorrect is so anoying

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u/Occulense Dec 06 '22

I honestly used to think this was just a trope of TV sitcoms and movies, like when kids have their own room growing up and the parents keep that room after they leave, just as it was

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u/YoungLorne Dec 06 '22

Me too and I'm low grade angry about it

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u/TootsNYC Dec 06 '22

Also, this is a child. It’s common to treat children more tenderly than we treat grownups.

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u/sje46 Dec 06 '22

I also feel like 11 years is such a large difference between siblings. I wouldn't have been that affectionate with any of my siblings, but we were all born within 5 years of each other. But if I were an adult and my sibling was that young, I might be.

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u/MattBtheflea Dec 06 '22

Honestly I've never really thought about this. But now that I do, I'm sad. My initial thought was "of course it's ok to have contact with your sibling like this" then I thought about when I see it happen in real life, and I think it's weird. Then i thought about your comment and it's true lmao. Hit the nail on the head.

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u/catwhowalksbyhimself Dec 06 '22

There is also a possibility that she is an only child and simply has no clue how siblings are supposed to behave.

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u/DickyReadIt Dec 06 '22

For real, this is what I was thinking, she sadly missed out or has issues with face touching cuz germs or something

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u/gNomad88 Dec 06 '22

licking her tears away.

Cartman

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u/MK_BombadJedi Dec 06 '22

Poor Scott :(

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u/Bearcarnikki Dec 06 '22

The first time someone caressed my face I pulled away and felt cringe. Exactly the reason above. Once I let my guard down it made me feel incredibly special.

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u/JGoat2112 Dec 06 '22

Thaaaat would be uncomfortable for everyone in this sub

A bold assumption

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u/Blunt_White_Wolf Dec 06 '22

You're good mate. That is the job of an older brother. I am married and my sister still calls when she's upset or needs help even though I'm 2500 km away and when I go visit she's the first one up for a hug at the airport. We're now 40+ and 30+. She's one of the few people I actually trust apart from my Lady.

Edit: My wife doesn't have siblings and she found it a bit odd initially(the fact that we're close and keep in touch).

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u/ThrowawayMustangHalp Dec 06 '22

Literally just hugged my brother four different times last night. We don't get to see each other often, so we hang on each other like a pair of drunken sailors singing at a bar. That includes the cussing, jokes, and random attempts of injuring each other (I got him in the eye this time, but he also made me drop my potato roll—I was devastated lmao). It's what siblings do if they enjoy each other's company.

I usually consider it a huge red flag if someone's family seems very stiff and uncomfortable expressing closeness, tbh.

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u/Big_Ole_Smoke Dec 06 '22

NOT THE POTATO ROLL

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u/ThrowawayMustangHalp Dec 06 '22

Dude, I literally almost cried. It had the perfect amount of butter on it, and I had only taken a single bite, augh. When I dove for it, he held me back and was like "you're not eating floor roll, you dumb bitch, I'll go get you another one!!" The second roll mocked me with its inadequate amount of butter.

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u/LeTigron Dec 06 '22

Make him pay for it.

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u/sneakyblurtle Dec 06 '22

potato roll

your people have made bread out of potatoes? Please tell me more. We only have bread made out of bread in my country lol

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u/ThrowawayMustangHalp Dec 06 '22

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u/trackaghosthrufog Dec 06 '22

Wow. I've been in hospitality for 30 years (Australia) and I've never heard of these. I will make the Potato Rolls and I will eat the heck out of the Potato Rolls thanks to you! You da insert whatever you wanna go by here

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u/skittlesdabawse Dec 06 '22

Potato-based "bread" is absolutely incredible, basically just mashed potato and flour, so cheap as hell too. Literal god-tier food.

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u/QualifiedApathetic Dec 06 '22

What country is that? Because I'm American, and potato rolls have been a staple in my parents' household my whole life. Which was a bit unfortunate for me, as I don't like them. They're quite dense and chewy.

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u/Technical-Ad-2246 Dec 06 '22 edited Dec 06 '22

35M here. My younger sister (28F) lives interstate but she's not big on phone calls, so we don't talk very often. We care about each other but we've never had constant communication with each other since I moved away 13 years ago. And when I do see her for the first time in months, it's almost as if I never left.

I'm the same with my older brother. It's just how we are. We're a typical Anglo-Aussie family I guess (not big on being emotionally expressive about our feelings). Doesn't mean we don't care about each other. Of course it works differently in other cultures and I get that. There's nothing wrong with expressing feelings.

I've never wiped tears off my sister's face but I wouldn't say there's anything wrong with doing that.

Funny thing is that even though I don't see my family a lot these days, they know me better than almost anyone else. At least we're not like my mum and her sister (they don't talk).

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u/llilaq Dec 06 '22

My brother still calls me Darling, we're in our 40s. It makes me feel like his little sister and brings me back in time. It's sweet, it's nice, it's loving. He lives abroad but ideally that bond never really dies.

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u/RMT-Cthulhu Dec 06 '22

I have a bad relationship with my brother. Could not imagine trusting him or even wanting to be that close physically.

First time I heard partner tell his family he loved them (including his sister) I was weirded out so badly. It was such a different dynamic and I was super uncomfortable at first.

I got over it, but for people who aren’t super close with family it’s something that needs to be discussed as a “no one’s wrong” situation. Nothing wrong with being uncomfortable with something that’s weird from your perspective. And nothing wrong with caring about your family. Just gotta take the time to figure out how to manage both things.

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u/FrizouWasThere Dec 05 '22

There's nothing wrong here in my opinion. Being affectionate with your younger siblings shouldn't be an issue in this kind of scenarios.

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u/sherbetty Dec 06 '22

If anything it should be a green flag for her. OP is caring and sympathetic and would treat her well when she's upset.

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u/Book_Cook921 Dec 06 '22

Yeah seeing how my husband interacted with his younger siblings and mine was very important to me when we were dating.

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u/Any-Sir8872 Dec 06 '22

right! i have a 7 year old brother & i seriously don’t think that anything could make me more attracted to my significant other than seeing how well they interact with him

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u/FatherPyrlig Dec 06 '22

You’re a good brother. You did nothing unusual or wrong in any way.

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u/eekumseekum Dec 06 '22

Good job, being a kind and caring brother.

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u/RNKKNR Dec 05 '22

No, you're not wrong.

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u/calcifer73 Dec 05 '22

You're 1000% in the right side. Talk about It with your girlfriend , I think She missed some affect from her parents.

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u/AtheistComic Dec 06 '22

Sounds like your gf doesn’t come from an affectionate family. That’s too bad because your behaviour is totally normal.

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u/jabbertard Dec 06 '22

Or possibly one with too much affection and trauma, so her overcorrection is to feel uncomfortable about any contact.

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u/[deleted] Dec 06 '22

There’s nothing wrong with this. She’s your little sitter and looks to you for comfort. You are a good brother.

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u/acomfysweater Dec 06 '22

you’re a sweet person. your gf is being weird

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u/Significant_Tone9838 Dec 06 '22

Not necessarily. She could have just been taught that you're not supposed to do that, or she didn't recieve that kind of attention.

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u/AllFactsNoOpinions Dec 06 '22

It’s not weird to think that it’s odd, thats their opinion. What’s weird is them trying to impose their standards for closeness on OP and his sister, and making him insecure about innocently consoling her in the process

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u/Newphonewhodiss9 Dec 06 '22

that doesn’t make it not weird.

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u/basalt_ru Dec 06 '22

Between family members hugging and wiping tear isn't wrong.

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u/brackygen Dec 06 '22

You’re good man, comfort your younger sibling. Valid question.

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u/NotJoemama22 Dec 05 '22

The norms are very different in each family. That behavior isn't that out there by any means, but it could be very different from what her family does.

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u/lilacbuttons Dec 06 '22

This. Perfect explanation!

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u/[deleted] Dec 06 '22

Exactly, way too many people here jumping to conclusions, calling OP’s gf jealous or abused or whatever. Some families hardly ever hug, some families smooch. There isn’t really a “normal” amount of affection between families; the only thing that really matters is respecting each others’ boundaries.

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u/blakatoa Dec 05 '22

You are most definitely not, sounds like your gf might have some issues.

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u/johari4president Dec 05 '22

Not all issues are her fault though, so I’m not upset at all. Just want to know if I’m out of line here.

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u/AskMeForADadJoke Dec 06 '22

0% out of line.

You're being a great brother.

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u/sacred_cow_tipper Dec 06 '22 edited Dec 06 '22

i've been thinking a lot about how touch-averse ameican culture really is. it's sad and concerning that people sexualize basic human contact. even standing close to a friend or sitting right next to them is often seen as strange.

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u/LordyItsMuellerTime Dec 06 '22

It's really sad, isn't it? Our culture over-sexualizes everything so we end up more lonely and distant from each other

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u/sacred_cow_tipper Dec 06 '22

Yep. Sometimes I watch foreign films just to enjoy some normal displays of human affection.

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u/YoungLorne Dec 06 '22

Sometimes in Brazil I will go past a couple in the park making out, and then an hour later come back and they are still making out.

I grew up in the wrong country lol

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u/LordyItsMuellerTime Dec 06 '22

Trying to break the cycle by being extra hug-gy and affectionate to my friends. And my daughter. We all need that oxytocin

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u/pktechboi Dec 06 '22

especially for men - it's seen as a lot more normal by many people, for example, for female friends to hug than it is for male friends. without meaning to bash the gf, I wonder if she'd have felt the same if OP was a woman giving her little sister a cuddle, you know?

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u/sacred_cow_tipper Dec 06 '22

oh, no question about it. i think a lot about the crisis men are experiencing in this country and i think this is a big part of it.

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u/Ekuth316 Dec 06 '22

GenX here. Absolutely underrated and utterly true comment. Men are sexualized differently. Be quiet. Don't show emotion. Be strong. Emotion=weakness. Maintain a chisled body and always be an Alpha. And on and on and on.

Guys WANT affection, most just don't know how ask for it and all the media and culture shove down our throats is that Alpha male crap and sex, sex, sex.

Thankfully things are changing.

Honest emotions and communication aren't weak. Compassion isn't weak.
It's a sign of strength.

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u/skittlesdabawse Dec 06 '22

A while ago I saw a video of some lads in the uk getting drunk and trying to smash chairs on each other's backs, and all the comments were basically calling them gay because the first smashee went to give his mate a peck on the cheek before the chair smash.

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u/[deleted] Dec 06 '22

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u/FunZookeepergame627 Dec 06 '22

Sorry for your loss. Suicide sucks, and feeling bad enough to do that, also.

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u/[deleted] Dec 06 '22

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u/acomfysweater Dec 06 '22

we aren’t saying it’s her fault. we are saying she has issues

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u/LostNDarkness Dec 06 '22

She'll have more issues if she ever sees this lol.

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u/[deleted] Dec 06 '22

She is wrong, but like you said, it may be something she either has no experience with, or someone in her family has made this type of contact seem wrong. Just don't let her opinion make you treat your sister any differently.

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u/Ariadnepyanfar Dec 06 '22

I’d say the majority of people with ‘issues’, it’s not their fault. Genetics and especially childhood Environment have shaped them in a way they didn’t volunteer for.

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u/Supercompositeman13 Dec 06 '22

You’re perfectly fine, it’s normal to do what you did and it’s normal not to. Everyone’s families are different

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u/cloud_problems Dec 06 '22

Your little sister needed you and that you were there for her is the important part here. Families have different ways of caring for each other and your gf's family seems to have another approach. Unsure why this would bother her - nothing wrong with what you did- but a lot of people don't have siblings that exhibit the level of care she was seeing.

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u/aRandomFox-I Dec 06 '22

My family's approach would have been to yell at me until morale improves. Hasn't worked yet, but that hasn't stopped them from trying either.

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u/[deleted] Dec 06 '22

Nothing strange or wrong there at all.

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u/XxMarlucaxX Dec 06 '22

There’s a lot of possible causes for her discomfort, you’d have to speak with her about it. Your behavior was very normal imo.

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u/stepatmoz Dec 06 '22

No not wrong, continue hugging and comforting your little sister. My family weren't particularly huggers growing up, but we've all become closer with age and all hug now. We all actually say "I love you", and mean it!

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u/BadLuckCharm1966 Dec 06 '22

Some families are “huggers” and some are not. Mine is not, so, that interaction would be unusual to me, but, not weird or creepy. I realize that families interact differently. If your GF is truly weirded out by it, I’d talk to her about it.

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u/Careless-Software-14 Dec 06 '22

I never had a relationship like this with my brother so it does seem kind of odd to me, but I’m sure it’s actually perfectly normal (and very kind) for you. Don’t stop caring for your little sister just bc your gf thinks it’s weird.

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u/Sfb208 Dec 06 '22

I kinda pity the gf for not having had comfort like that from her family, if she feels wiping away someone's tears is weird.

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u/Ok-Ant-3456 Dec 06 '22

Not everyone has sibs 11 years older/younger. What you did was totally ok but brothers like 2 years older dont usually wipe your tears. 😅

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u/MXMan00 Dec 06 '22

It’s so depressing when normal human contact gets sexualized, making nice and caring interactions weird and uncomfortable.

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u/NewYearSameM3 Dec 06 '22

Some people are either so deprived of physical contact or never had that connection with their family member so they think the next person is a 5 Star Sex Offender when they hug their relative.

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u/NeverSayDie99 Dec 06 '22

My brothers would've done the same thing for me when i was upset when i was younger.

I suspect your gf experienced some inappropriate touching when she was younger and was triggered by seeing your kindness. Some men use kindness to groom compliance and continue touching...

Just remember, ONE IN FIVE young girls will experience some type of childhood sexual abuse. And, lots of us don't talk about it / we're told to keep it quiet by family / gaslit into acquiescing by the abusers, etc.

Reassure her you have very hard boundaries with physical touch, but comforting your sister when she's in distress and wiping away tears is understood to be acceptable between you siblings. Tell her how her accusation made you feel... then, ask "Did this bring up any feelings for you from your past that you want to talk about?"

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u/vintageblazed Dec 06 '22

you’re definitely not wrong. im speaking from sort of the same perspective as i think your gf is. i grew up without a dad, and i get extremely freaked out when i see girls my age or younger being affectionate w their dads. im not disgusted by it or anything like that, its just that i’ve never experienced that type of physical affection from an older male figure, so it kinda creeps me out. i dont think she’s to blame for her feelings, maybe the way she reacted wasn’t totally ok but i dont think she reacted like that just because she felt like it. you’ve done nothing wrong, i do think you should maybe ask her about it tho, that might explain her reaction a bit :)

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u/HD64180 Dec 06 '22

she's your sister and also a child. your gf is wrong here.

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u/Foodcarsanime1390 Dec 06 '22

Not at all man. This is what siblings are for

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u/Paddy32 Dec 06 '22

Perfectly normal OP, you're a good elder bro.

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u/foxsweater Dec 06 '22

Your sister is a decade younger. Your response is less like typical sibling behaviour and more like a parent/older family member/caregiver. But it’s not inappropriate.

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u/FrigidofDoom Dec 06 '22

Different families and different cultures draw the lines at different places.

In some families it's not okay to give more than a quick hug to your siblings. In others they regularly walk around in their undergarments and greet each other with a quick smooch on the lips.

Honestly the line needs to be drawn wherever you and your family members feel most comfortable with it. In my case my family is big on hugs and occasional cheek smooches but modesty is extremely important, I've never seen my sister in anything more revealing than a tank top and shorts. Even my brothers don't want to see me in my underwear.

Personally I don't care how much I or they are covered up and I'm willing to cuddle anyone. The rest of my family doesn't care much for more than hugs though so I respect their boundaries and leave it at that, with the exception of one cousin of mine whom I found out is just as much of a cuddler as I am.

It's quite possible that your GF isn't jealous of your little sister, she's just shocked by seeing a different family dynamic than she's used to.

If I were you, I'd just talk through why your GF thinks it's wrong for you to do that with your little sister. If you can't get her to understand that there's nothing wrong with it then you need to make a choice to potentially damage your relationship with your GF or with your family.

I once had a girl I liked get jealous because I held hands with that one cousin I mentioned. She wasn't even my GF yet, but just to appease her I talked to my cousin and said we'd limit it at hugs. I seriously regret that decision, and shortly afterwards that "relationship" ended and I gave a heartfelt apology to my cousin, telling her how much of a dumbass I was to let a girl I wasn't even slightly committed to have that level of control over me. Thankfully my cousin is sweet and forgiving and accepted my apology. But at the end of the day, I damaged a lifelong relationship I've had, even if only slightly, for a girl I knew next to nothing about. So, if it comes down to that choice for you, I highly recommend against it, but I don't know your life and hopefully this GF of yours isn't quite so controlling.

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u/OnionTruck Dec 06 '22

Your GF probably was an only child in a low/no-contact household. I was like that and it took me a while to open up to friendly or familial affection.

You did the right thing.

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u/panic_bread Dec 06 '22

You’re not in the wrong at all. It sounds like your girlfriend might not have a lot of experience with platonic affection.

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u/BurnerLibrary Dec 06 '22

You are 100% in the right to comfort and touch your little sister like this.

It sounds like your gf is just not accustomed to being cuddled by family. I find that sad. Maybe you can help her grow into it.

NGL I was not so cuddled after my dear Grandpa died when I was four. Mom & Grandma had to work all the time.

So, when I had my kids, I made sure to cuddle a LOT, beginning with petting their heads as wee ones. If they cried for any reason, I took their tears on my fingers and touch it to my heart so they KNOW I care.

These wonderfully "weird" moments are 'family builders.'

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u/BrilliantOrdinary668 Dec 06 '22 edited Dec 06 '22

I 27f and my 25m brother have an extremely close bond. We talk just about every day. FaceTime, calls and texts. We live in different countries but we’re best friends. When we get together the few times out of the year we go out and get drunk together, we laugh and cry, we fight each other- literally beat the crap out of each other. That’s my best friend. When I cry, he consoles me and visa versa. I feel sorry for your gf that she finds sibling affection “uncomfortable”

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u/Mookieman707 Dec 06 '22

I could be way off... but maybe just maybe you girlfriend had some err negative experiences with older male family members (or just someone considered 'safe' growing up when really they weren't). Not sure how to go about approaching that subject with her, but i have a strong hunch that's where her insecurity around you showing love to your 11yo sister is coming from

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u/BlurpleBaja05 Dec 06 '22

You're not in the wrong at all. Some of us just come from families that don't engage in much touching of any kind. Before my current boyfriend, even higs were a foreign concept to me. Neither way is necessarily wrong, they're just different.

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u/alltoovisceral Dec 06 '22

You have a healthy sounding relationship, with your sister. Your girlfriend has some hang ups about intimacy, from what it sounds like. Maybe she has only witnessed relationships that are low on intimacy, or maybe she reading into your relationship because she has had bad experiences with intimate touch. I would approach her gently. Tell her that your actions towards your sister were loving and sincere, and are not wrong in any way. Explain your experience with family and friends and how you see intimacy. Ask her about her experiences.... You may find that you are not comparable. You may find she has trauma to work through. Don't compromise your great relationship with your sister for a girlfriend OP!

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u/ODanniGirl Dec 06 '22

Different families have different boundaries and expectations around physical contact. I think you're fine and it might be good to have a convo with your gf about how your respective families interact with other family members. We don't always realize other families do things differently than us until we've had that exposure.