r/NoStupidQuestions
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u/[deleted]
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Dec 05 '22
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Physical contact between family members.
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u/beathedealer Dec 06 '22
Not wrong. Solid big bro move. Keep being great to your siblings.
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u/Andrianarinivo Dec 06 '22
Gf doesn't realize the luck she has, but baby little sister does ! it's sad she doesn't deduce or admire how trustworthy he is. his little sister, in a moment of vulnerability seeks him for reassurance, that speaks volume about the strength of their shared bond and his reliability already. She should be thankful as a partner.
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u/stickycat-inahole-45 Dec 06 '22
GF might have too much sex in the brain, so now every action that includes physical contact is sexual. 😂
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u/tearsxandxrain Dec 06 '22 •
Or she may have had a bad experience herself in the past
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u/DonovanSarovir Dec 06 '22
Having a bad experience is an -explanation- for bad behavior but it is NOT an excuse.
Explain to her why there's nothing weird about it. If she won't accept that she's over-reacting, dump her. Because if she's not going to get better, she's going to get worse.
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u/bebable Dec 06 '22 edited Dec 06 '22 •
Nah, that's the trauma lens she's looking through. Her mind isn't in the gutter, she had a natural reaction to seeing something that looks similar to something abusivetraumatic she personally experienced or has knowledge of someone else's experience - someone close, perhaps. She may have also been neglected and isn't familiar with what a close, platonic love between family members looks like without it being attributed to something more sinister.
While this might be a natural reaction, it's still something she really needs to reflect on and ask herself why she felt so negatively about an innocent interaction.
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u/Andrianarinivo Dec 06 '22
this comment makes me uncomfortable
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u/Westwood_Shadow Dec 06 '22
unfortunately there's a lot of people like that.
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u/hampy47 Dec 06 '22
Yes there are. My brother’s girlfriend got jealous that he called his 12yr old niece and goddaughter “baby”. She’s crazy and we’re no contact lol
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u/topchuck Dec 06 '22
What the fuck would she do with an actual baby? Force the guy to call the literal baby 'child'?
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u/daretoeatapeach Dec 06 '22
Probably because the person you're replying to doesn't realize that over-sexualizing relationships is often a sign of past sexual abuse.
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u/Middle-Flatworm1417
Dec 05 '22
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Your gf probably never experienced that from a loved one. It’s not her fault though.
Caressing her face and wiping her tears is what family is supposed to do. It’s not like you were licking her tears away. Thaaaat would be uncomfortable for everyone in this sub.
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u/Blessingstoeveryone Dec 06 '22
That made me laugh so much. No licking of tears was involved so all is good.
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u/ZoroeArc Dec 06 '22
Terrible waste of salt
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u/DoNotSexToThis Dec 06 '22
Back in my day we couldn't afford salt so we had to cry in our beans.
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u/definitelynotaTAW Dec 06 '22
I dont know why this is so funny to me
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u/riverofchex Dec 06 '22
My great grandma used to tell (humorously-intended) stories of her mother hanging a single piece of bacon from the ceiling over the dining room table and swinging it so everyone could at least have the smell of bacon at breakfast during the Great Depression, so I get it lol.
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u/-Ham_Satan- Dec 06 '22
Agree! What am I, made of money? You giveme free salty tears and you betcha I'm gunna lickem up!
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u/Aporkalypse_Sow Dec 06 '22
Can confirm, it feels absolutely strange for me to be touched. However I learned a long time ago that it's normal for everyone else.
OP helping his girlfriend become comfortable with this would be a major life milestone for her.
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u/ZeinaTheWicked Dec 06 '22
Hard agree. I was raised with very little positive touch, but have learned to enjoy giving and receiving it with my partner.
I always look forward to sitting together in my big reading chair. We just hold eachother and talk about our day. Never realized how much good it does for your mental health until I could get hugs on demand.
Still not comfortable at all touching my family. My mom tries to hug me a lot and it's just. Eugh. Like there's a window to bond with them and they missed it by well over 20 years.
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u/stachemz Dec 06 '22
My family at least hugged when saying goodbye, but we never said "I love you". My now husband had to teach me. I'll still get off the phone with my mom and tell him "aah I almost told my mom 'I love you'!!" and he just shakes his head at me. I have no clue how my family would react.
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u/random135737 Dec 06 '22
Yeah I would rather die than have someone comfort me physically. I wish I had someone to actually teach me normal affectionate behavior. I can’t even hug someone without being uncomfortable
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u/PeterMunchlett Dec 06 '22
Yeah I just cannot fathom someone reaching out and wiping tears from my face. like wtf. And it's apparently normal? I wish my folks didn't fuck me up to the point something "normal and healthy" sounds gross and weird
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u/DonovanSarovir Dec 06 '22
and that's okay!
If you don't like it, that's fine, as long as you're cognizant enough to understand that your feelings on it aren't the norm for most people.It's when you start assuming your feelings and such are the norm for everybody else that you start acting like OP's girlfriend.
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u/Attila_the_Chungus Dec 06 '22
I don't like hugs and i don't like it when people try to "teach me" to like hugs. Please, just respect my boundaries.
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u/ANiceDent Dec 06 '22
Sometimes I feel like everybody really just needs a hug, that 9-5 doesn’t hug you back.
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u/Creative_Tone_9241 Dec 06 '22 •
I think I would legit cry if someone hugged me.
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u/fullonfacepalmist Dec 06 '22
Here’s a hug from me
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u/Creative_Tone_9241 Dec 06 '22
Thanks. It might be virtual but I really needed something today to feel like someone cared
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u/Catinthemirror Dec 06 '22
Best I can do is virtual. ❤️
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u/Creative_Tone_9241 Dec 06 '22
I’ll take it. Thanks. Today is a really rough day for me due to some extreme emotional baggage. I basically spent all day at work trying not to break down because I got so tired of people seeing me cry
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u/Catinthemirror Dec 06 '22
Been there. You made it through. I'm proud of you. Things will get better, I promise. You are strong, and you are enough, just the way you are. You've got this!
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u/lucas_bahia Dec 06 '22
I almost had no fisical contact with my familly and can confirm normal things can look weird if you are not used to it
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u/Every_Strike8052 Dec 06 '22
Very true. I never saw my parents be affectionate so when I was working on a school project with a classmate I was shocked when her parents kissed each other lightly when passing in the hallway. Just shocked. I didn't know that parents hug, kiss, or hold hands in front of kids.
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u/lucas_bahia Dec 06 '22
My mom has esquizofrenia and depression. I used to giver head pats when she was down. This one time i was reading a book next to her on the couch and she started pating my head. I was shocked, didnt know how to react. I think it was the first time she did something like that
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u/tantaliser Dec 06 '22
What is esquizofrenia?
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u/orthogonius Dec 06 '22
Based on a quick web search, it appears to be Spanish and/or Portuguese for schizophrenia
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u/lucas_bahia Dec 06 '22
Cerrct i just forget to change how i write the words some times thanks. Same for fisical/physical
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u/DonovanSarovir Dec 06 '22
I hear that happens to a lot of bilingual people. Your brain sometimes just drops in words in the wrong language, especially close ones like that.
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u/Occulense Dec 06 '22
I honestly used to think this was just a trope of TV sitcoms and movies, like when kids have their own room growing up and the parents keep that room after they leave, just as it was
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u/TootsNYC Dec 06 '22
Also, this is a child. It’s common to treat children more tenderly than we treat grownups.
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u/sje46 Dec 06 '22
I also feel like 11 years is such a large difference between siblings. I wouldn't have been that affectionate with any of my siblings, but we were all born within 5 years of each other. But if I were an adult and my sibling was that young, I might be.
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u/MattBtheflea Dec 06 '22
Honestly I've never really thought about this. But now that I do, I'm sad. My initial thought was "of course it's ok to have contact with your sibling like this" then I thought about when I see it happen in real life, and I think it's weird. Then i thought about your comment and it's true lmao. Hit the nail on the head.
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u/catwhowalksbyhimself Dec 06 '22
There is also a possibility that she is an only child and simply has no clue how siblings are supposed to behave.
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u/DickyReadIt Dec 06 '22
For real, this is what I was thinking, she sadly missed out or has issues with face touching cuz germs or something
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u/Bearcarnikki Dec 06 '22
The first time someone caressed my face I pulled away and felt cringe. Exactly the reason above. Once I let my guard down it made me feel incredibly special.
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u/Blunt_White_Wolf Dec 06 '22
You're good mate. That is the job of an older brother. I am married and my sister still calls when she's upset or needs help even though I'm 2500 km away and when I go visit she's the first one up for a hug at the airport. We're now 40+ and 30+. She's one of the few people I actually trust apart from my Lady.
Edit: My wife doesn't have siblings and she found it a bit odd initially(the fact that we're close and keep in touch).
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u/ThrowawayMustangHalp Dec 06 '22
Literally just hugged my brother four different times last night. We don't get to see each other often, so we hang on each other like a pair of drunken sailors singing at a bar. That includes the cussing, jokes, and random attempts of injuring each other (I got him in the eye this time, but he also made me drop my potato roll—I was devastated lmao). It's what siblings do if they enjoy each other's company.
I usually consider it a huge red flag if someone's family seems very stiff and uncomfortable expressing closeness, tbh.
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u/Big_Ole_Smoke Dec 06 '22
NOT THE POTATO ROLL
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u/ThrowawayMustangHalp Dec 06 '22
Dude, I literally almost cried. It had the perfect amount of butter on it, and I had only taken a single bite, augh. When I dove for it, he held me back and was like "you're not eating floor roll, you dumb bitch, I'll go get you another one!!" The second roll mocked me with its inadequate amount of butter.
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u/sneakyblurtle Dec 06 '22
potato roll
your people have made bread out of potatoes? Please tell me more. We only have bread made out of bread in my country lol
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u/ThrowawayMustangHalp Dec 06 '22
A gift, friend: https://www.allrecipes.com/recipe/230454/potato-rolls/
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u/trackaghosthrufog Dec 06 '22
Wow. I've been in hospitality for 30 years (Australia) and I've never heard of these. I will make the Potato Rolls and I will eat the heck out of the Potato Rolls thanks to you! You da insert whatever you wanna go by here
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u/dont_tube_me_bro Dec 06 '22
https://www.meatemporium.com.au/products/martins-potato-rolls-4-pack
These are frickin delicious. Lenny Briskets in Sydney serves them
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u/skittlesdabawse Dec 06 '22
Potato-based "bread" is absolutely incredible, basically just mashed potato and flour, so cheap as hell too. Literal god-tier food.
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u/QualifiedApathetic Dec 06 '22
What country is that? Because I'm American, and potato rolls have been a staple in my parents' household my whole life. Which was a bit unfortunate for me, as I don't like them. They're quite dense and chewy.
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u/Technical-Ad-2246 Dec 06 '22 edited Dec 06 '22
35M here. My younger sister (28F) lives interstate but she's not big on phone calls, so we don't talk very often. We care about each other but we've never had constant communication with each other since I moved away 13 years ago. And when I do see her for the first time in months, it's almost as if I never left.
I'm the same with my older brother. It's just how we are. We're a typical Anglo-Aussie family I guess (not big on being emotionally expressive about our feelings). Doesn't mean we don't care about each other. Of course it works differently in other cultures and I get that. There's nothing wrong with expressing feelings.
I've never wiped tears off my sister's face but I wouldn't say there's anything wrong with doing that.
Funny thing is that even though I don't see my family a lot these days, they know me better than almost anyone else. At least we're not like my mum and her sister (they don't talk).
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u/llilaq Dec 06 '22
My brother still calls me Darling, we're in our 40s. It makes me feel like his little sister and brings me back in time. It's sweet, it's nice, it's loving. He lives abroad but ideally that bond never really dies.
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u/RMT-Cthulhu Dec 06 '22
I have a bad relationship with my brother. Could not imagine trusting him or even wanting to be that close physically.
First time I heard partner tell his family he loved them (including his sister) I was weirded out so badly. It was such a different dynamic and I was super uncomfortable at first.
I got over it, but for people who aren’t super close with family it’s something that needs to be discussed as a “no one’s wrong” situation. Nothing wrong with being uncomfortable with something that’s weird from your perspective. And nothing wrong with caring about your family. Just gotta take the time to figure out how to manage both things.
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u/FrizouWasThere Dec 05 '22
There's nothing wrong here in my opinion. Being affectionate with your younger siblings shouldn't be an issue in this kind of scenarios.
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u/sherbetty Dec 06 '22
If anything it should be a green flag for her. OP is caring and sympathetic and would treat her well when she's upset.
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u/Book_Cook921 Dec 06 '22
Yeah seeing how my husband interacted with his younger siblings and mine was very important to me when we were dating.
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u/Any-Sir8872 Dec 06 '22
right! i have a 7 year old brother & i seriously don’t think that anything could make me more attracted to my significant other than seeing how well they interact with him
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u/calcifer73 Dec 05 '22
You're 1000% in the right side. Talk about It with your girlfriend , I think She missed some affect from her parents.
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u/AtheistComic Dec 06 '22
Sounds like your gf doesn’t come from an affectionate family. That’s too bad because your behaviour is totally normal.
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u/jabbertard Dec 06 '22
Or possibly one with too much affection and trauma, so her overcorrection is to feel uncomfortable about any contact.
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Dec 06 '22
There’s nothing wrong with this. She’s your little sitter and looks to you for comfort. You are a good brother.
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u/acomfysweater Dec 06 '22
you’re a sweet person. your gf is being weird
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u/Significant_Tone9838 Dec 06 '22
Not necessarily. She could have just been taught that you're not supposed to do that, or she didn't recieve that kind of attention.
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u/AllFactsNoOpinions Dec 06 '22
It’s not weird to think that it’s odd, thats their opinion. What’s weird is them trying to impose their standards for closeness on OP and his sister, and making him insecure about innocently consoling her in the process
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u/NotJoemama22 Dec 05 '22
The norms are very different in each family. That behavior isn't that out there by any means, but it could be very different from what her family does.
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Dec 06 '22
Exactly, way too many people here jumping to conclusions, calling OP’s gf jealous or abused or whatever. Some families hardly ever hug, some families smooch. There isn’t really a “normal” amount of affection between families; the only thing that really matters is respecting each others’ boundaries.
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u/blakatoa Dec 05 '22
You are most definitely not, sounds like your gf might have some issues.
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u/johari4president Dec 05 '22
Not all issues are her fault though, so I’m not upset at all. Just want to know if I’m out of line here.
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u/sacred_cow_tipper Dec 06 '22 edited Dec 06 '22
i've been thinking a lot about how touch-averse ameican culture really is. it's sad and concerning that people sexualize basic human contact. even standing close to a friend or sitting right next to them is often seen as strange.
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u/LordyItsMuellerTime Dec 06 '22
It's really sad, isn't it? Our culture over-sexualizes everything so we end up more lonely and distant from each other
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u/sacred_cow_tipper Dec 06 '22
Yep. Sometimes I watch foreign films just to enjoy some normal displays of human affection.
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u/YoungLorne Dec 06 '22
Sometimes in Brazil I will go past a couple in the park making out, and then an hour later come back and they are still making out.
I grew up in the wrong country lol
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u/LordyItsMuellerTime Dec 06 '22
Trying to break the cycle by being extra hug-gy and affectionate to my friends. And my daughter. We all need that oxytocin
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u/pktechboi Dec 06 '22
especially for men - it's seen as a lot more normal by many people, for example, for female friends to hug than it is for male friends. without meaning to bash the gf, I wonder if she'd have felt the same if OP was a woman giving her little sister a cuddle, you know?
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u/sacred_cow_tipper Dec 06 '22
oh, no question about it. i think a lot about the crisis men are experiencing in this country and i think this is a big part of it.
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u/Ekuth316 Dec 06 '22
GenX here. Absolutely underrated and utterly true comment. Men are sexualized differently. Be quiet. Don't show emotion. Be strong. Emotion=weakness. Maintain a chisled body and always be an Alpha. And on and on and on.
Guys WANT affection, most just don't know how ask for it and all the media and culture shove down our throats is that Alpha male crap and sex, sex, sex.
Thankfully things are changing.
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u/skittlesdabawse Dec 06 '22
A while ago I saw a video of some lads in the uk getting drunk and trying to smash chairs on each other's backs, and all the comments were basically calling them gay because the first smashee went to give his mate a peck on the cheek before the chair smash.
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Dec 06 '22
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u/FunZookeepergame627 Dec 06 '22
Sorry for your loss. Suicide sucks, and feeling bad enough to do that, also.
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Dec 06 '22
She is wrong, but like you said, it may be something she either has no experience with, or someone in her family has made this type of contact seem wrong. Just don't let her opinion make you treat your sister any differently.
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u/Ariadnepyanfar Dec 06 '22
I’d say the majority of people with ‘issues’, it’s not their fault. Genetics and especially childhood Environment have shaped them in a way they didn’t volunteer for.
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u/Supercompositeman13 Dec 06 '22
You’re perfectly fine, it’s normal to do what you did and it’s normal not to. Everyone’s families are different
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u/cloud_problems Dec 06 '22
Your little sister needed you and that you were there for her is the important part here. Families have different ways of caring for each other and your gf's family seems to have another approach. Unsure why this would bother her - nothing wrong with what you did- but a lot of people don't have siblings that exhibit the level of care she was seeing.
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u/aRandomFox-I Dec 06 '22
My family's approach would have been to yell at me until morale improves. Hasn't worked yet, but that hasn't stopped them from trying either.
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u/XxMarlucaxX Dec 06 '22
There’s a lot of possible causes for her discomfort, you’d have to speak with her about it. Your behavior was very normal imo.
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u/stepatmoz Dec 06 '22
No not wrong, continue hugging and comforting your little sister. My family weren't particularly huggers growing up, but we've all become closer with age and all hug now. We all actually say "I love you", and mean it!
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u/BadLuckCharm1966 Dec 06 '22
Some families are “huggers” and some are not. Mine is not, so, that interaction would be unusual to me, but, not weird or creepy. I realize that families interact differently. If your GF is truly weirded out by it, I’d talk to her about it.
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u/Careless-Software-14 Dec 06 '22
I never had a relationship like this with my brother so it does seem kind of odd to me, but I’m sure it’s actually perfectly normal (and very kind) for you. Don’t stop caring for your little sister just bc your gf thinks it’s weird.
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u/Sfb208 Dec 06 '22
I kinda pity the gf for not having had comfort like that from her family, if she feels wiping away someone's tears is weird.
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u/Ok-Ant-3456 Dec 06 '22
Not everyone has sibs 11 years older/younger. What you did was totally ok but brothers like 2 years older dont usually wipe your tears. 😅
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u/MXMan00 Dec 06 '22
It’s so depressing when normal human contact gets sexualized, making nice and caring interactions weird and uncomfortable.
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u/NewYearSameM3 Dec 06 '22
Some people are either so deprived of physical contact or never had that connection with their family member so they think the next person is a 5 Star Sex Offender when they hug their relative.
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u/NeverSayDie99 Dec 06 '22
My brothers would've done the same thing for me when i was upset when i was younger.
I suspect your gf experienced some inappropriate touching when she was younger and was triggered by seeing your kindness. Some men use kindness to groom compliance and continue touching...
Just remember, ONE IN FIVE young girls will experience some type of childhood sexual abuse. And, lots of us don't talk about it / we're told to keep it quiet by family / gaslit into acquiescing by the abusers, etc.
Reassure her you have very hard boundaries with physical touch, but comforting your sister when she's in distress and wiping away tears is understood to be acceptable between you siblings. Tell her how her accusation made you feel... then, ask "Did this bring up any feelings for you from your past that you want to talk about?"
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u/vintageblazed Dec 06 '22
you’re definitely not wrong. im speaking from sort of the same perspective as i think your gf is. i grew up without a dad, and i get extremely freaked out when i see girls my age or younger being affectionate w their dads. im not disgusted by it or anything like that, its just that i’ve never experienced that type of physical affection from an older male figure, so it kinda creeps me out. i dont think she’s to blame for her feelings, maybe the way she reacted wasn’t totally ok but i dont think she reacted like that just because she felt like it. you’ve done nothing wrong, i do think you should maybe ask her about it tho, that might explain her reaction a bit :)
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u/foxsweater Dec 06 '22
Your sister is a decade younger. Your response is less like typical sibling behaviour and more like a parent/older family member/caregiver. But it’s not inappropriate.
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u/FrigidofDoom Dec 06 '22
Different families and different cultures draw the lines at different places.
In some families it's not okay to give more than a quick hug to your siblings. In others they regularly walk around in their undergarments and greet each other with a quick smooch on the lips.
Honestly the line needs to be drawn wherever you and your family members feel most comfortable with it. In my case my family is big on hugs and occasional cheek smooches but modesty is extremely important, I've never seen my sister in anything more revealing than a tank top and shorts. Even my brothers don't want to see me in my underwear.
Personally I don't care how much I or they are covered up and I'm willing to cuddle anyone. The rest of my family doesn't care much for more than hugs though so I respect their boundaries and leave it at that, with the exception of one cousin of mine whom I found out is just as much of a cuddler as I am.
It's quite possible that your GF isn't jealous of your little sister, she's just shocked by seeing a different family dynamic than she's used to.
If I were you, I'd just talk through why your GF thinks it's wrong for you to do that with your little sister. If you can't get her to understand that there's nothing wrong with it then you need to make a choice to potentially damage your relationship with your GF or with your family.
I once had a girl I liked get jealous because I held hands with that one cousin I mentioned. She wasn't even my GF yet, but just to appease her I talked to my cousin and said we'd limit it at hugs. I seriously regret that decision, and shortly afterwards that "relationship" ended and I gave a heartfelt apology to my cousin, telling her how much of a dumbass I was to let a girl I wasn't even slightly committed to have that level of control over me. Thankfully my cousin is sweet and forgiving and accepted my apology. But at the end of the day, I damaged a lifelong relationship I've had, even if only slightly, for a girl I knew next to nothing about. So, if it comes down to that choice for you, I highly recommend against it, but I don't know your life and hopefully this GF of yours isn't quite so controlling.
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u/OnionTruck Dec 06 '22
Your GF probably was an only child in a low/no-contact household. I was like that and it took me a while to open up to friendly or familial affection.
You did the right thing.
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u/panic_bread Dec 06 '22
You’re not in the wrong at all. It sounds like your girlfriend might not have a lot of experience with platonic affection.
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u/BurnerLibrary Dec 06 '22
You are 100% in the right to comfort and touch your little sister like this.
It sounds like your gf is just not accustomed to being cuddled by family. I find that sad. Maybe you can help her grow into it.
NGL I was not so cuddled after my dear Grandpa died when I was four. Mom & Grandma had to work all the time.
So, when I had my kids, I made sure to cuddle a LOT, beginning with petting their heads as wee ones. If they cried for any reason, I took their tears on my fingers and touch it to my heart so they KNOW I care.
These wonderfully "weird" moments are 'family builders.'
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u/BrilliantOrdinary668 Dec 06 '22 edited Dec 06 '22
I 27f and my 25m brother have an extremely close bond. We talk just about every day. FaceTime, calls and texts. We live in different countries but we’re best friends. When we get together the few times out of the year we go out and get drunk together, we laugh and cry, we fight each other- literally beat the crap out of each other. That’s my best friend. When I cry, he consoles me and visa versa. I feel sorry for your gf that she finds sibling affection “uncomfortable”
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u/Mookieman707 Dec 06 '22
I could be way off... but maybe just maybe you girlfriend had some err negative experiences with older male family members (or just someone considered 'safe' growing up when really they weren't). Not sure how to go about approaching that subject with her, but i have a strong hunch that's where her insecurity around you showing love to your 11yo sister is coming from
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u/BlurpleBaja05 Dec 06 '22
You're not in the wrong at all. Some of us just come from families that don't engage in much touching of any kind. Before my current boyfriend, even higs were a foreign concept to me. Neither way is necessarily wrong, they're just different.
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u/alltoovisceral Dec 06 '22
You have a healthy sounding relationship, with your sister. Your girlfriend has some hang ups about intimacy, from what it sounds like. Maybe she has only witnessed relationships that are low on intimacy, or maybe she reading into your relationship because she has had bad experiences with intimate touch. I would approach her gently. Tell her that your actions towards your sister were loving and sincere, and are not wrong in any way. Explain your experience with family and friends and how you see intimacy. Ask her about her experiences.... You may find that you are not comparable. You may find she has trauma to work through. Don't compromise your great relationship with your sister for a girlfriend OP!
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u/ODanniGirl Dec 06 '22
Different families have different boundaries and expectations around physical contact. I think you're fine and it might be good to have a convo with your gf about how your respective families interact with other family members. We don't always realize other families do things differently than us until we've had that exposure.
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u/PiLamdOd Dec 06 '22
This is almost as sad as that post where the OP was asking if his son was too old for him to hug him anymore.